Crossovers Can Drive You Crazy
by Metropolis Kid
Summary: One of my earliest Hellsing fics. Just a little story about the craziest Hellsing crossover I could come up with... You know, that still made some kind of twisted sense. Hope you enjoy. As always, reviews are appreciated. Thanks.
1. Chapter 1: No Guns Allowed

**Crossovers Can Drive You Crazy**

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

**AN:** Okay, I just needed to cheer up after writing Holding the Line. It depressed me a little. So I wrote this. Figured I'd post it and see if it got any laughs. This is a crack fic so don't take it seriously.

Alucard stood on the street, just leaning against an obscenely colorful building. Integra had discovered the whereabouts of another vampire, and Alucard, his fledgling and a small group of soldiers had been sent in to 'silence' the target. With his 'third eye' the No-Life King observed that Seras and the humans had just reached the vamp's castle. The target this time was a count- not that such matters made much of a difference. With the exception of one *Count*, the vampire nobility fell just as easily (or as difficult) as their commoners.

Alucard had let himself fall behind a little. After all, his fledgling needed some experience fighting vampires on her own. He couldn't always be there to watch over her. However, he was, of course, monitoring her progress. If Seras really needed his help, he could shadow shift to her in mere seconds. But for now he was just waiting and enjoying the night air.

Then the ancient vampire's mind was suddenly snapped to his young fledgling. The vamp had trapped her as soon as she entered his castle. Perhaps this 'count' wasn't just another vampire after all. Alucard pulled out his Jackal and prepared himself to shadow shift into the target's castle. However, before he had the chance to a big, yellow... something pulled the gun out of his hand.

Whatever had taken his gun was behind him, and Alucard internally fumed that he let himself be snuck up on. His mind had been too preoccupied with monitoring his fledgling. The vampire master turned around and was about to take his anger out on the idiot who was stupid enough to take his gun. However, when he turned, he was momentarily stunned.

A seven foot, yellow bird was holding Alucard's gun and looking down the barrel. "Oooh, what's this thing?"

Th No-Life King was so shocked by the giant, talking, yellow bird that he didn't even think to grab the handle of his gun and squeeze the trigger- thereby ending the life of the creature that dared to take his gun away. Instead, Alucard found himself- almost dumbly -answering the weird creature's question. "It's a gun."

"A gun?!" The bird seemed positively shocked. "You can't have a gun here. The censures would never allow it. It's good thing I got to you before they did. They're very strict here on Sesame Street."

"What?!"

"Oooh, I've got to hide this before the show starts." And with that, the strange giant of a bird started to run away.

"Hey, wait a minute! Come back with my gun!" Alucard shouted as he took of after the bizarre creature.

* * *

At first, everything had been going fine for Seras and her men. They'd had reached and entered the castle without any problems. There were no ghouls guarding the entrance. It wasn't even locked. However, after the Hellsing troops entered the castle, something strange happened. Their movements began to slow until they couldn't move at all.

Seras and her men were all stuck by some invisible force. Oh, how the castle's dark lord must've been loving that, Seras thought as rage began to fill her. But then the enemy vampire appeared, and he was so absolutely ridiculous looking that Seras's anger started to ebb. Her mood lightened as she imagined that most, if not all, of this count's victims must have died laughing. Still, she wasn't exactly thrilled by being held captive.

"Let us go!" Seras screamed and got her third surprise of the day. The vampire actually apologized.

"I'm so sorry. I'm afraid that my castle stops anything that enters until I've had a chance to count it."

"What? Why?"

"Because that's what I do. I count things. That's why I'm called the Count. Now I'll get to counting you, and as soon as I'm finished you'll be free." The Count was about to start counting, but something caught his eye, causing him to instead question, "What are those big things that you are all carrying?" The Count pointed at the soldiers' weapons.

"Those are our guns. Haven't you ever seen a gun before?"

"Oh my no. Gun's aren't permitted here. If the censures ever found one... Well, I shutter to think what they'd do. Lets just get rid of them, shall we?" The Count motioned his hand to the side, and the Hellsing weapons floated out the window.

One of the soldier's exclaimed, "Hey! Give us back our guns!"

"Why?"

"Because we need them?"

"Why?"

"Because we're soldiers of the Hellsing organization. In the name of God and service of her majesty, we are charged with driving the eternal stake through the hearts of the undead."

"My, my such a long name. Ten soldiers of the Hellsing organization charged, in the name of God and service of her majesty, to drive the eternal stake through the hearts of the undead." The Count repeated the total number of soldiers, then started to point to each one and count them up. "One soldiers of the Hellsing organization charged, in the name of God and service of her majesty, to drive the eternal stake through the hearts of the undead."

Seras just sighed. She could tell that they were going to be there for a while.

(Well, I'm cheered up now. How did you like it. Should I leave it a One-Shot, add another chapter or just delete it altogether? Please, let me know. Thanks.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)


	2. Chapter 2: Battle of the Vamps

**AN: **Okay, I try to respond to all of my reviews. I apologize if I missed you for some reason, but I do try. The thing is Metroid criticized me for clogging up the end of my chapters with review replies and making them seem longer then they are. So I've started messaging my reviewers instead. The problem is that some of my reviewers are anonymous. So what I've decided to do is, respond through messages to anyone who has an account or an Email that I can see. If they don't I'll leave my response at the end of the next chapter. If you do have an account or I know your email and you would rather your response be posted at the end of the chapter than sent to you as a message, let me know and I will post it at the end. I'm just trying to make this as pleasant an experience as possible.

**PS**. I hope you enjoy this. I had one embarrassing Internet jaunt trying to track down the lyrics to the Sesame Street opening theme. Lyrics are in **Bold**.

**Chapter Two: Battle of the Vamps.**

The Count was just finishing his counting, "Ten soldiers of the Hellsing organization charged, in the name of God and service of her majesty, to drive the eternal stake through the hearts of the undead!" when Alucard busted through the castle gate.

"Master!" Seras happily exclaimed, but then his appearance registered. "Uh... Why are you covered in yellow feathers?"

Alucard walked into the castle. "I don't want to talk about it." His pace was already slowing, and after three more steps he stopped all together- frozen too, just as the others had been.

_**Sunny Day  
Sweepin' the clouds away  
On my way to where the air is sweet **  
**Can you tell me how to get,  
How to get to Sesame Street **_

"What! Why can't I move? And where is that music coming from?" Alucard asked.

The Count responded, "That's the opening theme. The show is about to start. And I do apologize about the movement thing, but I'm afraid that you're frozen until I count you."

"What!" Alucard shouted back.

And Seras tried to calm her upset master. "Oh Master, please don't be angry. We all had to go through it. At least it shouldn't take long for you."

_**Come and play  
Everything's A-OK  
Friendly neighbors there  
That's where we meet **_

_**Can you tell me how to get  
How to get to Sesame Street **_

The Count pointed at Alucard. "One angry Master. One angry Master. One angry Master!" And with that, Alucard was freed. However he was not happy.

"Oh you sorry excuse for a vampire. I'm going to turn you into dog bleep. What the? Where did that noise come from?"

"The show is about to start, remember? The Censors wont let you swear. Every time you try, it'll get covered up with a 'bleep'. They don't care much for cussing either. In fact the only reason I was able to get away with calling you guys soldiers of the H.E. Double Hockey Stick-sing organization is because they weren't watching yet. Otherwise, I would have had to call you all soldiers of the Hecksing organization."

Alucard let lose a long string of bleeped out words. "What the bleeping bleep. Who the bleep do they think they are! I'm the mighty bleeping No-Life King! They have no right to bleeping censor me!"

"But they're the Censors. That's their job. Just like I'm the Count and counting is mine."

_**It's a magic carpet ride  
Every door will open wide  
To Happy people like you--  
Happy people like  
What a beautiful **_

Seras turned to the Count. "You know this place doesn't make much sense. They won't allow guns or swears, but they've got a bloodsucking vampire? How does that work out?"

"Oh, I'm a afraid that I never get to drink blood. They won't allow it. That's why my, once strong, body has been reduced to what you see now."

Seras looked over the Count's body again and was suddenly very pleased that Integra had convinced her to start drinking blood. "This must be a terrible place for a vampire to live."

"Honestly, it's horrible. But there's nothing I can do. I'm a servant of Sesame Street, just as you and your master are servants of 'Hecksing'."

Alucard had had enough of this. He pulled out his gun. "Well I'm going to put you out of your misery, Then I'm getting out of here. Time to die." Alucard pulled his trigger; but instead of bullets, a small stream of water came out of his gun. "What?!"

The Count chuckled. "Congratulations! You actually got a gun onto the show. You pulled it out fast enough that they couldn't stop you. Too bad they turned it into a water pistol. I was actually hoping that you'd free me from this terrible place."

Alucard was upset about his gun. Hadn't the poor thing been through enough with the stupid yellow bird? Did it really need to suffer this indignity too? _Those stupid censors!_ _It's all their fault! Well I'll show them. I don't need a gun to take out this pathetic excuse for a vampire._ Alucard smirked. "Releasing containment level three." Suddenly the interior of the castle turned dark, and Alucard transformed into his devil dog form. He pounced on the count before the censors could stop him and swallowed the week vamp with one bite.

_**Sunny Day  
Sweepin' the clouds away  
On my way to where the air is sweet **_

**_Can you tell me how to get,  
How to get to Sesame street..._  
**

Alucard turned back to his 'human' form and wiped his remaining drool onto his sleeve. Then he chuckled and shook his fist at the air. "Take that you bleep head censors."

A voice boomed back at him. "You ate our count? But... but we must have a count."

Alucard snorted. "Not my problem." He turned to walk away but then was frozen again.

"I'm afraid it is. You see, the opening theme is almost over. You consumed our Count, therefor you must become the new Count."

"No way!"

"You have no choice in the matter. As long as this series runs, you are now bound to us."

Alucard wanted to refuse, but he found himself unable to. He couldn't break free of their hold over him. He had no choice but to become a servant of Sesame Street. "Yes, Masters." However unlike at the Hellsing organization, Alucard was not a willing servant his time. He'd find a way to break free. There was always some loophole.

_**How to get to Sesame Street  
How to get to... **_

Will Alucard ever get free? Did Bigbird survive? And what will happen to Seras now that her Master is bound in service to Sesame Street? Next time on Hellsing street! (The idea for this final line came from KawaiiKittyChan. If you like it, she deserves the credit.)

(Okay, that's chapter two. I hope you liked it. I've got an idea for one final chapter if you guys are interested in another one. Or do you think that the story has run it's course, and I should just leave it here? Reviews are greatly appreciated. Suggestions and constructive criticisms are welcome. Just keep in mind that this is a crack fic and no flames please. Thanks.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)

(To SakuU: Thanks for the review. I'm glad that you liked the first chapter and couldn't stop laughing. I hope you enjoyed this one as well.

PS. Thank you for also reviewing Holding the line. I'm glad that you liked that too.)


	3. Chapter 3: I'm Not Counting

**Chapter Three: I'm Not Counting**

Alucard had no choice. He'd been forced to become a servant of Sesame Street, but he was determined to find away out. Of course, since Seras was Alucard's fledgling, that meant that she was now a servant of Sesame Street too. She had to be wherever her master was after all.

So far the show had progressed normally, well except for the fact that Big Bird's right arm was in a sling and his left leg was in a splint. Alucard got a mild enjoyment out of watching them try to explain that by giving the episode a hospital theme. But his enjoyment at watching the trials of the bird that had been foolish enough to steal his gun, wasn't enough to overcome the dread he felt over that fact that his segment was almost up. The No-Life King reaffirmed to himself that was NOT going to be Sesame Street's puppet.

_Serving Hellsing is one thing. At least the family has proven to be worthy masters, and they let me kill things and keep me supplied with blood. Even if it isn't fresh, it's still blood. But these new 'masters' want me to count things and be nice. Can you imagine it? They want me to be nice! Well, I won't stand for it. I'll find a way out. There's always a loophole._

Alucard's internal rambling was interrupted by a paper being shoved into his chest. "What's this?"

Big Bird replied, "It's a summons. I'm suing you for insult and battery."

Seras interrupted, "Um, excuse me, but don't you mean assault and battery?"

"No. I mean insult and battery. He kept insulting me while he was beating me up."

"You had it coming! You stole my gun!"

"I was trying to help you! You idgit."

"What the bleep is an idgit!"

"It's a word I can use without getting bleeped. You might want to learn a few!"

Seras got in between the vampire and bird and tried to keep them from fighting again. "Master, let me try to reason with him." She turned to Big Bird. "Mister, uh..."

"Bird"

"Yes, Mister Bird. I'm very sorry that you got hurt, but my master really doesn't have any money. Your just going to waste your money on a lawyer; and even if the court finds in your favor, you won't be able to collect anything."

"I'm representing myself. I have a law degree!"

"I'm sorry I didn't know."

"What, you think that just because I work on a kid's show, I'm some kind of an idiot? I'll have you know, I graduated from Harvard, top ten percent. It's just that no one wanted to be represented by a seven foot, talking, yellow bird."

"Okay, so you won't waste any money, but you are going to waste your time. As I've said my master has no money. And you can't get blood from a stone."

Alucard grumbled, "Can't get blood from anywhere when you're a servant of Sesame Street."

Big Bird replied, "It's not the money. It's the principle. I've already got enough trouble trying to stay one step ahead of that crazed Kentucky Colonel. I don't need to worry about a vampire too."

"Well I can assure you that my master isn't going to come after you again."

"That's not enough."

"Then what do you want?"

"An apology."

"I've already said that I'm sorry."

"Not from you. From him."

Alucard exclaimed, "What!"

"You owe me an apology."

"Why you disgusting little piece of trash! I don't apologize to anyone. I should tear your limbs off and shove them up your bleep just for asking."

Seras elbowed her master. "Uh, Master?"

"What!"

"The censors, remember?"

Alucard sighed and- through grit teeth -apologized. "All right, I apologize. I realize now that you were only trying to help me. I shouldn't have repeatedly ground your beak into the pavement, broken your arm and leg, and forced you to say that you were a bleeping bleep bleep of a bleep bleep."

"There now, was that so hard? I accept your apology, and I hope we can be friends." Big Bird extended his hand.

Seras elbowed her master again and he shook the bird's hand. _Oh, I'm going to make someone pay for this... Big time!_

A voice came from overhead. "Okay, Count, one minute to your segment. You better get ready."

Big Bird said, "I guess that's my cue to leave." He walked away.

"Okay, Master, lets get ready."

"I'm not counting." Alucard grumbled under his breath, but he got into position anyway.

* * *

In an average house, two average little kids were just watching their favorite show:

"And now, the new Count and his assistant Seras will count the number of giant, cherry, lolly pops."

On the TV, Seras was smiling as she said, "Ten cherry pops." She looked over to her master, but he didn't do or say anything. So the fledgling cleared her throat and tried again. "Ten cherry pops." After a moment she quietly added, "Master?"

"What?"

Seras kept smiling but spoke out of the side of her face."You're supposed to point to each pop and count them up. Then I repeat the total."

Alucard growled, "I'm not counting."

"Master, the censors. We have to obey our new masters as long as the series runs, remember?"

It was then that an idea popped into Alucard's head, and he started slowly walking up to his fledgling. "Yes, as long as the series runs. That was the exact condition that they bound me with, right?"

"Yes."

"And we must be on TV now, right?"

"Yes."

Alucard grabbed his fledgling by the arm and looked at the camera. "Well then Kid's watch this."

Seras giggled, "Oh, Master."

One of the two kids called for his mother, "Mom what is the new count doing with his assistant?"

The mother walked into the room and looked at the TV. "Oh my, what are you kids watching!"

"It's Sesame Street."

"Turn that off!"

"But what are they doing?"

The mom was dialing her phone. "They're, ah, just hugging, honey."

"Wow, they sure seem to be enjoying..."

"I SAID TURN IT OFF!!"

* * *

Back in the Count's castle. "Ha, ha. Yes! I can feel their power over me failing. My plan worked. The series has been canceled." Alucard started to get off of Seras.

"Master, where are you going?"

"I'm going to teach that talking bird a lesson."

But Seras grabbed her master's arm. "No you're not." She pulled him back into a kiss, and Alucard began an internal debate over which would be more fun- going after Big Bird or finishing what he started with Seras. After a few more seconds, he decided on the latter.

(Okay, that's it. Story's over. I hope you enjoyed it. Please Review, and do you think that I should up the rating to T?

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)

(To SakuU: Thanks for reviewing chapter two. I'm glad that you're still laughing at this story. I hope you liked the way it ended. And thanks for saying that my stories are great. I think I might be blushing a little.

PS. I hope to have the next chapter of Maternal Instincts up tomorrow night. I hope you enjoy it.)

(To twinkers4: As you can see, I did. I hope you got a kick out of the last chapter.)


End file.
